Saying GoodBye

It has come to that day that I never wanted to face but always knew I would have to. Saying goodbye to my favorite grandma. It is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Despite knowing how old she was and how much pain she was in and how miserable she was living, I still don't want to say it. And I am not ready for it.
I won't say goodbye to my Grandma Elsie. I will just say " See you soon. I love you so very much. I miss you so deeply already my heart is aching. I am so blessed to have had you for my grandma. And so grateful my daughter Cherish Elsie will carry your name for forever. You will always be a part of us. In spirit and in name."
My fondest childhood memories come from time spent in Nebraska with them. The horse wagon rides, the venison stew she made me sit there for 3 hours staring at because I wouldn't eat it.. The threats with the wooden "spoon" on the wall that had holes drilled in it. The sleepovers at her house. The smell her home always had. Sitting and talking to her for long times. Listening to her stories of my mom. Trips to Utah with them. Hooking my granpa's finger when he was baiting my fish hook :) Her cooking. Going through her photoalbums with priceless aged pictures. Family Christmases and Thanksgivings with more family than you can even dream of.
I guess when I think of her that is exactly what she reminds me of in one word. FAMILY. It was always a family gathering. And always a good time. She was an amazing grandma. And as such I know she was an amazing mother, sister, daughter and friend.
So we head out tomorrow on our long drive to Nebraska where all these memories are. I can not wait to see all of our family again. It has been too long. I am excited for that. I am terrified of so many things too. Seeing my mom and her siblings say goodbye to their mom. It is going to kill me. Seeing my granpda all alone with out her. It is going to break my soul. Having Cherish say goodbye knowing she doesn't fully understand. but she knows she is with jesus and she is happy.
I am going to be strong. I need to be for my mom and for my kids. I will take pictures or I know I will regret it.
I need to go clean my house and finish laundry and get things ready to go but I have no energy. But it felt good to get this out and off my chest. If you have read this whole thing... wow :)


And yes the last picture is of me as a baby :D

Oh Where oh where did my Sunshine go???

Who took away my gorgeous sunshine? I miss it!!!!
So glad we took advantage of the gorgeous 70 degree weather last week and went to Heber for the day with Grandma.
peaceful beautiful scenery and always something fun to do.
Grandma even taught Cherish how to do the big girl swing all by herself!
All this while Little Lillie slept :)

Catching Up

Well, since this last couple of weeks has been filled with one sickness after another I thought I would catch up. Not only do the 2 older kids and I have sinus infections and Cherry with Strep. But Lillie has become cholicky on top of her reflux. I spend every night from about 8pm to 1 or 2 am standing and bouncing and rocking her and nursing her. I got a breast infection that got so bad I passed out in the kitchen yesterday and woke to Cherry shaking me. It was a very scary moment being alone and having that happen. So I grabbed the 3 kids and went to the doctors. Who wanted me to go to the ER, but I refused. So after rehydrating and getting tons of meds I went home. I am feeling a little better today but still pretty out of it. It amazes me how these things just creep up on me. I just get so busy with life I forget to take care of myself that way i guess.
James is super stressed with work. He works so much and we hardly ever see him. It is hard but it is needed. We try to make sure he knows how grateful we are for him and that he is so willing to work so hard for us. I love when he comes home and the kids get so excited, even though it's 9 o'clock! And the way his face lights up when he sees them. And the love he has for them and our new Lillie. He just loves to see her when he gets home. I can't imagine only seeing my babies wehn I say goodbye at 5am and to say goodnight at 9pm. For 5 days straight!
So I try to do all I can to give him less to stress out about when he comes home. Spending almost $400 in 3 days between doctors visits and rx's doesn't help! My good home cooking will fix that right? :D LOL! I think I have been doing a good job of balancing being mom and cleaning and all that goes with it. There are definite rooms for improvement but I am working hard!
So anyways... Life is definitely flying too fast. At least for me. But in some ways I guess that is good.
here is my catching up:
I don't take my heavy duty camera everywhere with me. And there are times I really wish I had just a nice hand held for quick picts, but I don't think I would be happy with the turn out. So I end up using my camera phone! And I finally figured out how to get the pictures off of it. So here is a long list of catching up on past events and random things.
Enjoy!

TROUBLE!!!!
This was during Christmas time when I was having pregnancy complications and was supposed to be on bed rest (what a laugh!)
I left the kids alone for literally 3 minutes and came back to find an entire brand new bottle of powder dumped ALL over the living room. It literally looked like smoke in the air it was so thick! I cleaned powder for days.

2 days before Christmas Damon had some surgeries. He had tubes in for the 3rd or 4th time ( I have lost count) and they also carved out the sinus' in his cheeks to open them up. I was told it would be a pretty easy recovery so James and I after dealing with 4 months of constant ear infections decided to do it before his deductable started over in January. Well, Christmas was fun, but the poor boy was not himself!
I have a really hard time not being able to be there when I know they are going through something like a surgery. This isn't his first time but I was still emotional and scared. Thankfully my awesome mother in law came with me. I was 34 weeks pregnant and on bed rest and not supposed to lift anything (yeah right). She was a fantastic helper and if it wasn't for her I think i would have gone crazy during the 2 hours of waiting. She took me to lunch and we talked a lot.
I teared up when they brought me back to see him. He was so out of it and his little nose was crusted in blood. Then he started to really wake up from the anethesia and he just cried and it made my heart ache.
It took a day or two before he actually snapped out of the anesthesia. And when he did he was pretty funny. PLaying with his new dinosaur and watching movies.

innocence and Cheese-i-ness.
Describes Damon prefectly don't you agree?

Cherry hamming it up for the camera.

This is her dancing.

At the hospital. Here she is wiped down and fresh on my tummy. I love revisitng these pictures! I love the emotions they bring back from that day. LOVE it!

About 4 hours old

Don't you just love how squishy and red they are?

Here is Lillienne. Laying so nicely and happy....

Here is Lillienne discovering she can grab.. her own hair!!! She does this constantly! It is so sad. And when I try to open her hand she pulls even harder! It breaks my heart!

Does this shirt not just say "james" all over it! You think he's tough... but his girls can get away with anything!

I like to take advantage of my pass to the Dinosaur Museum. Not to mention it is one of my kids favorite places to go. And since they are so young if we go early enough when older kids are in school it is so quiet and peaceful and we can take all the time in the world. The kids could stay there all day!!

Yes, Damon IS a princess :P Cherry loves to dress up. She even sleeps in this after I have alread hung it on her wall for the night. So Damon came out one day with it on too. (we have 2) I HAd to take a picture to send daddy! Ah ha!!!

playing at the park. Thought is was a gorgeous day... then the nasty winds blew in and Damon got bark in his eye! I ended up having to take him to the eye doctor. I will say this- getting a 3 year old to hold still for an eye exam... what a joke!

They love having Lillie come tell them night night at nap time.

Sshhh... Damon and Cherry are sleeping! I thought it was so cute when they were supposed to be napping in thier own beds and I find them in the same bed and Cherry reading Damon books. Love it! They are so close.

My baby Lillienne and me snuggling up. She's winking at daddy :D

She is NOT a binky girl. And it took me 20 minutes to get her to it! I can't have a cholicky baby who won't take a binky. But it seems I do.

Does my head make this flower look to big??? hee hee

Visiting Cabellas. Such a quick entertainment for the kids to get them out. And since it's not a huge zoo I don't have to be there for 3 hours!