I know all things happen for a reason. But dammit, sometimes it sucks and it isn't fair (excuse the language but it's truth).
Last week James and I found out we were expecting. This was very exciting news to us. We lost our 5th one back in February, and this one seemed so right. I was nauseated before I got the pregnancy test results. I was exhausted. I felt so very pregnant. Lillie and this one would have been exactly 2 years apart. Perfect.
A few hours after my Monday morning blood draw, I began bleeding. And nothing like the miscarriages of the past. And I was still sick. So this sad part of me kept holding on to hope that it was nothing. I have been having my hcg count done every other day since last Monday. Things were good. Numbers doubling. Tuesday followed with light bleeding. Still no major clots or anything.
This morning, Wednesday, I woke up and before I got out of bed I could feel it. I just knew in my heart. Miscarriage #6.
Now this next part is kind of graphic so skip if you want, but it's haunting me and I hope that maybe by writing it out I will let go.
I sat up and I could feel that pressure. So I hurried to the bathroom. And there it was, plain as day. Not just the normal deep red tissue, but this little ballish sac of veins and attached to that was a tiny peach thing. My heart sank and I knew what it was. I just sat there staring at it and wondering why. It killed me to wrap it up and throw it away. Like I was some horrible person throwing something so valuable away. But my heart knows, there was no spirit there. It was just a carrier for a short time. And now that sweet perfect little person is in Heaven.
You would think it would get easier each time, but in fact it's getting harder. Emotionally I don't think I have ever felt so miserable. Everything felt so right. Like this baby was our shining beacon signaling that our lives were headed for a good change. A change we need desperately. Now everything has been torn away from us. I am sure things will get better. Someday. But this just sucks.
And yes, at times, Life ISN'T fair.
2 comments:
I am so, so sorry. I keep trying to put into words what I want to say, then I backspace and start over. I still remember vividly getting a phone call from my dear sister while she was miscarrying. I remember crying with her as she asked what she should do with the little "body" she knew should have been her baby. Hollie, all I can tell you is that I care about you and I hope the Lord will bless you with the comfort I know you seek. Much love. I'm thinking of you.
I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine going through this 6 times. I'm glad you have such a sweet and supportive husband and three beautiful kids to help heal your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.
Post a Comment