I've learned a lot over the last few months. A lot about myself, a lot about the kind of mom I want to be. A lot about what I am willing to sacrifice.
As most of you know, I kind of became obsessed with dieting and losing the weight from baby. I was doing awesome! I hit August with 8 lbs left to my goal I wanted to be by my birthday. Which was less than my prepreggo weight!I was totally was going to kill that number :) Then I had a crazy weekend wedding where I spent 2 days running around, in the heat, not hungry and not forcing myself to eat. And I all but lost my milk supply. It was then that I realized it had been lacking for a while. While I was up nursing every two hours, sometimes more, my friends with babies the same ages were getting 4-5 hours between. So it made me realize my milk supply had been dwindling for a while and I had just never put two and two together. So I started a few different herbal things to try and increase my milk supply, I bought top of the line bottles, and pumped and mixed it with formula. Crying with Braddock as he hated and cried about what he was being fed. I felt awful. It took a full day for him to get hungry enough to take the bottle. I tried nursing but nothing came and he would get so upset he couldn't even keep trying. I completely quit dieting and began eating everything. Trying to fatten my supply up. It was torture. Not that most of the wasn't delicious, but I definitely could tell my body that had been cleaned out was hating it. Then I made the mistake of getting on the scale and seeing my 2 months of hard work disappearing. So after a week and a half of trying the herbals I got a Rx. We are going on 3 weeks this weekend and I am still struggling.
My heart has been torn between wanting to take care of myself and not give up what I have been working so hard on, or letting it go to do what I can to try to keep breast feeding. I know the choice is obvious, but unless you've been in my shoes you can't really understand how hard it is. I tried everything, in every way to find a balance and I still haven't. But I am trying...
I have been looking forward to turning 30 for the last year. I think my 30's will be my best decade and I seriously am so excited for it. As it approached and I was going on this emotional roller coaster, I spent a lot of time at night contemplating. And I have come down to this.
My sweet baby is ALREADY 4.5 months old. Time has flown by. I LOVE nursing. SO MUCH.
I don't have that much longer I can nurse him even if my milk allows.
So I am focusing on him, and getting my milk back in.
And I officially turned 30. And ya know what? Yes, I gained some weight back to do what I needed. Who cares! I have never lost this much baby weight this fast with any of my babies. Let alone at 4 months! So I am damn proud of it! Sure, I don't look like I did before, but who cares? I just had a baby 4 months ago. I am learning to accept and love myself as I am right now. And learning to be OK with the fact that I can't push myself so hard. The time will come soon enough that I can push myself as hard as I want to, without having to worry about my milk :)
So I am taking it slower. Eating healthier, but not so freakishly healthy that I only eat 1200 calories a day. I am working out, but not too hard. Slow is going to kill me, but slow is my answer. :)
So with that said, I had a FANTASTIC birthday. I felt completely spoiled by my friends and family who took me to lunches, and dinners, and a movie, and came to hang out with me. FAMILY and FRIENDS. What more could a girl want?
Celebrating and accepting me as I am. 30 years old. Wife to an amazing, hard working man. A mother to 4 beautiful babies here, and 7 more in Heaven. Life is beautiful!
Dinner at Olive garden to celebrate mine and James' Bdays. Our awesome friends the Coons and the Johnsons!
Spoiled by my SIL for lunch- I forgot my camera! Thanks Christa! You are awesome and I love you to pieces!(inserting photo NOT from lunch-LOL)
My adorable friend Kelsey took me to lunch, and then to see The Help. Ok, seriously, if you get nothing else from this post, GO SEE IT!!!!! Such an amazing film!
Sunday dinner with my parents and my sis and her fiance over.
(Mom, I know you are going to kill me for putting this picture of you on here :) But I Love you! And you look great for what you have been through. And I want my kids to have pics of them with their Grandma. So there :P )
I feel so lucky to have such amazing friends and family. It was awesome 30th Birthday and I am looking forward to all that life has in store!
3 comments:
Hollie....I love ya girl. Happy happy 30th! We are so much alike, it kills me. You look amazing, you ARE amazing, and you will never regret knowing you did everything you could for Braddock. What a great mommy you are, I am so lucky to have you for a friend :) And the Help...quite possibly the best movie I have seen in the theaters forever!!
I'm so glad you posted this! I've been going through the same thing. I can't diet or excersise until I'm done nursing, or my milk supply just drops! I've actually been supplements with formula since Abrie was 6 weeks old!!! It's very frustrating, I totally wish I was one of those moms that's a milk machine and can supply their baby until they're a year old, but to each their own I guess.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with your milk & dieting. That is rough! You look AMAZING! Seriously Girl! I hope things are going well! I really miss you and your darling family! We will have to have a little reunion soon! :)
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